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04 January 2015 @ 02:36 am
Fanfic: The Things You Do - Chap 5 - Part 2  
Title: "The Things You Do - Chap 5 - Part 2"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), some OOC, a bit of sappiness, incest, mentions of abuse, violence and other stuffs I might have forgot...
Notes: Teenager Subaru and Teenager Seishiro had taken control of my brain… help!
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Ehy, do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensible heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews... so please be honest but nice ok?
Summary: There are things worth doing everything...

While Seishiro-kun was being examined for broken bones or brain haemorrhage, Suzuki caught his chance to question Kudo Sensei, about Seishiro-kun and Subaru-kun’s conditions. The man didn’t reply, just looked at him then returned to study Seishiro-kun’s arm radiography.

“I don’t think you’re a relative or a guardian of either of the boys, are you?” he asked simply.

“I’m a friend. A good friend,” Suzuki replied.

“I’m not sure Sumeragi-sama will deem this good enough considering it’s her grandson and the boy that had been entrusted to her you’re asking about,” the doctor replied. Suzuki sighed.

“I don’t really know Sumeragi-san that well so I ask you: how much do you think she’ll care about Seishiro-kun’s conditions?” he tried. “I’m not a journalist, I won’t spread info or something. I just want to know how the boy is.”

“His arm isn’t broken… just fractured. The CAT scan will tell us if he’ll suffered of brain haemorrhage due to the blow at his head… but surely he looks like he’s under shock. And worried sick about Sumeragi-kun. All he’s doing is asking about how he is. They are close, I assume,” he observed.

“They are,” Suzuki confirmed. Actually he’d always suspected the two were more than close but he never felt like trying to confirm his suspicions, especially when he believed the two were brothers and even now… he believed it was up to Seishiro-kun and Subaru-kun to decide if his suspicions deserved to be confirmed or not. “Will Seishiro-kun get better?”

“The arm will heal and, if there’s no brain haemorrhage or any other sort of brain damage, I don’t think there will be complications with the blow he got at the head,” the doctor explained calmly. “However…”

“However?” Suzuki asked worriedly.

“He seems still too distressed. That boy has a reputation here so… I didn’t expect to see him in this state. I guess I misjudged him,” the man stated but his expression softened somehow, in a mix of regret and sympathy.

“Seishiro-kun might not be the easiest person to get along with but he’s not a bad boy. And he cares deeply for Subaru-kun,” Suzuki assured. “More or less as if Subaru-kun were his little brother,” he offered, just in case Kudo Sensei might take his words the wrong way. Or the right one, it really depended from how one were to look at things.

“I had to treat more people he had beaten up than you can imagine,” the doctor informed him. “Their tales about what he did to them weren’t nice and what he’d been accused to have done this time isn’t either and yet…” The man frowned.

“Give him a chance, Sensei,” Suzuki insisted. “I’ve heard they’re trying to accuse him of Subaru-kun’s injuries but I know he would have never willingly harmed the boy. It must have been a misunderstanding or something like that. Have you heard Subaru-kun’s version, at least?”

“I don’t think Sumeragi-kun had the chance to give his own version to anyone,” the doctor replied simply. “He seemed glad to see Sakurazuka-kun though.”

“How’s Subaru-kun?” Suzuki asked, worried. “I’ve never seen him looking so…” he trailed off. Even when he had been scared to death by those thieves trying to intrude in the shop he’d been calmer than he was now. And it wasn’t just the fact he was bordering on hysteric. He simply looked… wrong.

“I think Sumeragi-sama cares about her grandson enough to wish me not to give out information about his health,” the doctor observed with a sigh. It didn’t seem like he wanted to withhold information, more likely that he was merely doing his duty.

“Maybe,” he conceded. “But surely the boy looked healthier when he was living in Kamakura working in my library to pay his own meals than now that he’s staying under Sumeragi-san’s care,” he pointed out. “It’s not just he got injured. Back then he wasn’t that thin.”

“If you’ve to know it’s too early to make a prevision about Sumeragi-kun’s state, so it’s not like there’s much to know,” the man admitted.

“Seishiro-kun won’t accept this as answer. As of now he’s too confuse but as soon as he’ll calm down he’ll demand to know what’s wrong with Subaru-kun and won’t stop pestering everyone until he’ll get a straight answer,” he smiled bitterly as he said so. “Will you at least let him stay near to Subaru-kun?”

“Sumeragi-sama hadn’t requested for them to be parted and having company might be good for Sumeragi-kun,” the doctor replied. “That is if Sakurazuka-kun can behave. Sumeragi-kun needs to stay calm and not move around.”

“I’ll explain it to Seishiro-kun. You won’t regret it, Sensei,” Suzuki promised.

“Can I go back to Subaru now?” Seishiro-kun asked AGAIN. He’d done nothing but demand when he could go back to Subaru-kun or asking how the other boy was. He completely ignored how the hospital staff was examining and medicating him.

“You promise you won’t do something that’ll upset him?” Suzuki asked him gently. Seishiro-kun made a frustrated sound.

“I don’t want to upset Subaru, I want… what’s wrong with Subaru anyway?” he repeated. “Why is his head bandaged? ‘she’‘she’ hadn’t broken it… had ‘she’? I… ‘she’…” he shook his head, evidently trying to clear it without result. It looked like he still couldn’t remember well what had happened.

“Seishiro-kun,” Suzuki called him. “Listen. I won’t lie to you. Subaru-kun had gotten hurt and we need time to know if he’ll get better.”

“Why do we? Does this mean Subaru might not get better? What’s wrong with him? I…” he began to ask anxiously.

“Seishiro-kun, please, calm down,” the man requested and the boy made a visible effort to stay calm. “You’ll stay with Subaru-kun and you will take care of him and keep him calm and safe and he’ll get better in no time, I promise. But in order to do so you’ve to calm down. Now take a good breath and calm down,” he suggested. The boy obeyed but Suzuki could swear he had never seen him so worried. He also looked so much younger than the Seishiro-kun he had known…

“I… I’ll stay calm and I’ll take care of Subaru and he’ll get better,” Seishiro-kun summarized… or tried to persuade himself about it. “Can I go back to Subaru now?” he asked in what sounded very close to a pleading voice.

“Yes, you can,” Suzuki agreed but Seishiro-kun just looked at him and didn’t move. “What’s wrong?” The boy lowered his head, as if ashamed.

“I… I don’t remember where is room is…” he admitted and Suzuki couldn’t help but smile gently to him.

“Wanna know something, Seishiro-kun? I don’t either,” he lied. “This hospital is a maze. Let’s ask to a nurse,” he suggested. Seishiro-kun nodded and followed him like only a small kid would. This, Suzuki though, didn’t look good. Not at all.

‘When is Seishiro going to come back?’ Subaru asked to himself again as he tried to picture the other boy in his mind, feeling desperation rise as he realized he simply… couldn’t. He had no idea why, he’d always been capable to do it, but now he couldn’t, as if his memories of Seishiro’s face had been erased, the thing making him feel even more lost and scared and… and maybe he wouldn’t manage to see Seishiro ever again and he couldn’t manage it, he couldn’t and although it was a good thing he was the one who had gotten hurt and not Seishiro the idea of never seeing Seishiro again was simply too horrible to bear. His head hurt, a dull pain, he felt slightly nauseous and he really, really, _really_ needed Seishiro to be back with him.

But apparently Seishiro was in need of medical care so Subaru couldn’t have him back, not right now, he had to be patient but… a noise caused him to tense as questions immediately went through his mind. What was it, what was happening? Was it Seishiro? Sakurazuka-san? A doctor? His grandmother? Who?

“Welcome back, Seishiro-kun. Subaru-kun was starting to get worried,” Kobayashi-san’s voice said from somewhere next to him and Subaru breathed in relief. Seishiro? Was it Seishiro? Seishiro was back? That was good but then why, why wasn’t he next to him already?

“Seishiro? Is that you?” he called weakly, warily, trying to turn his head toward… toward where he hoped Seishiro was. He had no idea if he was right. Seishiro might have been in a completely different direction but no, the noise had came from that direction so Seishiro had to be there, hadn’t he? “Seishiro?” he repeated, his anxiousness growing. There was a sound, no, more than one sound… steps? Was Seishiro walking close? Was someone else? Or was the sound something different from steps? Subaru wasn’t sure… He felt so helpless and scared and about to go into hysteric but forced himself to stay calm desperately.

He couldn’t really do it well so, as soon as something (someone?) touched one of his hands, he tensed and pulled it away instinctively before thinking maybe it could be Seishiro or maybe not, he had no idea, he was so scared and…

“Seishiro?” he tried again. Something brushed his hand again and it was hard to stay still, not to pull it back. He shuddered as something… no, not something, they were fingers, he realized, fingers that seemed familiar, fingers that he hoped were familiars as they slid on his hand gently and then curled around it and Subaru held his breath as he felt his hand being pulled against something soft and vaguely wet. The contact startled him and causing him to tense further and to try to pull back his hand again.

What was going on? Was that Seishiro? Had he been mistaken? What was going on? What? Why wasn’t Seishiro saying something? Why wasn’t anyone saying something?

“Subaru-kun must be tired, Seishiro-kun, and you look worn out as well so why don’t you try to rest a little? The doctor said you can sleep in the bed next to Subaru-kun,” another voice (Suzuki-san? Was that Suzuki-san’s voice?) suggested so was Seishiro the one that had touched him? Had he been him? Then why he had said nothing? Why?

“I…” someone’s voice began reluctantly, and it sounded like Seishiro’s voice, Seishiro, so Seishiro was there, wasn’t he? “All right,” the voice conceded. “Fine, I’ll do it,” it added and then there was noise, noise moving away from Subaru and Subaru willed his voice to come back, he had to call Seishiro, to talk to him, to apologize, to say something, anything, but he simply couldn’t. He was trapped in the darkness, without memory of Seishiro’s face and without his voice and… and…

He moved away immediately as something touched his cheek to reproach himself about it a second after. Had that been Seishiro? Had it? Or was he wrong?

“Try to rest, Subaru-kun. You look like you really needs it,” someone… Kobayashi-san’s voice he believed, stated gently. “Once you’ll have rested you’ll feel better,” the voice added. Subaru swallowed and even if he doubted he would ever feel better, he didn’t try to argue his point.

“A-all r-right,” he forced himself to say, his voice shaky. Seishiro would stay with him, wouldn’t he? They said he would sleep in the bed next to him so Seishiro would stay, right? Right? Nobody replied at his unspoken question as he heard a rumour, a rumour of steps likely, moving away from him, then another noise, the door being closed he assumed and then… nothing more.

He’d been left there. In the darkness. Unsure if Seishiro was with him or not. He willed his body not to tremble as he tried to keep as silent as possible, stretching all his senses into trying to perceive the other’s presence. It would have been easy to make sure Seishiro was there, with him, all he had to do was calling him but… somehow Subaru couldn’t. He could just lie there, trying to find signs of Seishiro’s presence in the room, shuddering like a leaf, and wishing so very much he could cry but unwilling to do so.

Finally, he managed to hear the faint noise of someone else breathing. Seishiro? Was that person Seishiro? He had no idea. If it was Seishiro… why wasn’t he speaking to him? Why wasn’t he saying something? However nothing happened and so after a long while spent in silence, Subaru, repeating over and other to himself that person had to be Seishiro who was simply too tired to make conversation, let exhaustion get the better of him and fell asleep.

Seishiro stared at Subaru in silence for a long time.

He hadn’t understood much of what had happened to Subaru, at the moment he found hard to make sense of things, to remember clearly what had happened, to remember what people had told to him.

Everything was blurry and hazy in his mind… maybe it was due to the headache he had… or maybe he’d gotten another cold… yes, this would explain why he felt like shaking and why his throat hurt and his eyes stung…

The only thing Seishiro could understand clearly was that Subaru had been hurt… hurt badly… his eyesight at risk and Subaru might end up having to deal with something much worse than a pair of glasses and… he swallowed and wished he could hug Subaru, hold him against himself tightly and never let him go.

He knew he wasn’t allowed to, Subaru needed to be left quiet, Suzuki-san had repeated this to him over and over, Subaru needed to rest and be left quiet but… but he would have liked to, at least, touch him, hold his hand maybe but… but Subaru hadn’t seemed to like it.

He had no idea why Subaru didn’t want to be touched by him… or better, he had an idea but wasn’t ready yet to deal with the possibility Subaru was furious with him and didn’t want him around anymore. Besides it didn’t make sense, Subaru had been calling him after all… but then why hadn’t wanted Seishiro to touch him? Why had he pulled back? Why had he seemed frightened when he had kissed his hand? Why had he sent him away? Was he mad? Was he not? Was he having second thoughts about loving Seishiro?

After all it was all Seishiro’s fault if now Subaru was in a hospital, it was all Seishiro’s fault if Subaru was hurt, his head half wrapped in bandages, it was all Seishiro’s fault if Subaru couldn’t see, it was all Seishiro’s fault if Subaru’d almost died… it was all Seishiro’s fault if Subaru… Subaru… Subaru, Subaru, Subaru…

His stomach ache got worse, his head began pulsing even more painfully and he hugged himself in effort to keep silent, his body curling on itself. Subaru needed rest and quiet and didn’t want him around so he wouldn’t bother him. Subaru would get better sooner if Seishiro were to behave wouldn’t he? He would behave, he would be really good so Subaru would get better, he would, he swore it… he was still repeating that to himself when he finally fell asleep.

Suzuki-san and Kobayashi-san gave one last long glance at the hospital, before leaving it. They needed to find a place where to sleep that night and they would do better starting to search for it. As they walked, side to side, Suzuki-san gave a long look to Kobayashi-san before speaking.

“If I can ask… what do you think of all this?”

“I think Seishiro-kun got himself in big troubles this time,” he admitted before sighing. “It won’t be easy to pull him out of this one.”

“You surely don’t think he harmed Subaru-kun,” Suzuki-san stated, glaring at him. Kobayashi-san looked at him in surprise before shocking his head.

“Obviously not but I doubt they’ll keep into consideration Subaru-kun’s testimony considering how the boy is a minor and already tried to cover up for Seishiro-kun when Seishiro-kun ‘kidnapped’ him,” Kobayashi-san reminded him. “Besides Seishiro-kun surely tried to strangle his mother. There are witnesses for this and they had to rip him away from her or he would have succeeded in killing her.”

“Well, considering in truth between the two it’s Subaru-kun the one who’s older, although only of some months, if we’ve to talk of ‘kidnapping’ maybe it would be more fair to say Subaru-kun was the ‘kidnapper’…” Suzuki-san pointed. “Though, you know, the whole idea of kidnapping is an idiocy. The boys had merely escaped together. They’re teens, they’re in an age in which it’s normal to do this sort of stupid things,” he added. “But I don’t understand what had happened with Seishiro-kun’s mother. The woman had left him in Sumeragi-san’s care, why I’ve no idea, then, in the middle of the night, she goes visiting him and Seishiro-kun tries to strangle her? And anyway how was Subaru-kun hurt? The only thing Seishiro-kun was capable to say is that it hadn’t been him the one that had hurt Subaru-kun. You know, I might be wrong, but at a certain point I thought he believed it was his mother that had hurt Subaru-kun but why would that woman have a reason to hurt Subaru-kun?”

“I think I know how it went. I think Seishiro-kun’s aggressive behaviour is merely the result of the abuse he underwent while he lived with his mother,” Kobayashi-san began.

“Abuse? You’re saying she abused her own son?” Suzuki-san asked stilling in his track, eyes widening. He simply couldn’t conceive it.

“So Subaru-kun said, so Seishiro-kun’s hospital records of when he was a child implied and so I think,” he explained with a shrug. “Maybe she’s the reason that pushed the boys left Okinawa. Seishiro-kun was being mistreated and couldn’t remain here any longer and Subaru-kun didn’t feel like abandoning him. He’s a caring boy after all and he’s sort of protective of Seishiro-kun in his own way. And Subaru-kun also said once they got back she began stalking them and trying to hurt Seishiro-kun all other again.”

“Wait. Seishiro-kun is a big boy that can deal with adult men. How would a mere woman manage to harm him? What is she a professional wrestler? I can understand how she might have done it when he was a child but now? Besides hadn’t he been just accused of trying to strangle her?” Suzuki-san pointed out.

“Victims of multiple abuse can often become psychologically unable to harm their abuser, especially if the abuse started when they were small. Even when they’re adults… they just let themselves be abused without reacting or escaping until something inside them crack. Then they lash out. Somehow Seishiro-kun’s mother got inside the Sumeragi household that night and tried to hurt Seishiro-kun. Subaru-kun got in between them and was hurt. This caused Seishiro-kun to finally lash out,” Kobayashi-san concluded.

“And so he tried to strangle his own mother because she hurt Subaru-kun. It makes sense, he was always overprotective of Subaru-kun,” Suzuki-san said with a sigh. “You know, I don’t approve strangling people but somehow I find hard to blame him. Poor Seishiro-kun… but then why to accuse him of hurting Subaru-kun as well if it was his mother who did it?”

“I doubt he was in the state of explaining things. At the police department they said he was completely out of it and being restrained by the servants when they reached the Sumeragi house after being called by one of the servants. Sumeragi-san had already left with the ambulance that was taking her grandson to the hospital and the servants had no idea what had happened so my colleagues assumed Seishiro-kun was the culprit both for the attempt at strangulation and Subaru-kun’s injuries. Considering he has a bad reputation and was found while strangling a woman, it was a quite natural assumption,” he explained shrugging. “I don’t think anyone attempted to find proofs of his innocence, nor he tried to give them. Or was in the condition to, for the matter. The only one who would have defended him was likely Subaru-kun and he wasn’t in the condition to speak on Seishiro-kun’s behalf.”

“What will be of him now?” Suzuki-san asked. “They’ll arrest him? Can’t we say it was self defence or something?”

“First, for now there’s no accuse yet,” Kobayashi-san reminded him. “He was merely being held into custody and now he has been left into my responsibility. Somehow it seems the police here would really prefer to avoid to deal with him so if nothing happens they’ll pretend nothing had happened therefore as long as his mother doesn’t die or someone makes a formal accusation he won’t be arrested. For obvious reasons I doubt Sumeragi-san will try to frame him as her grandson’s aggressor so this leaves Seishiro-kun’s mother. I’ve been told she should recover so we’ll have to see if she’ll dare to accuse Seishiro-kun of aggression or will prefer to keep the matter silent. Anyway I’ll go talking with her and Sumeragi-san as soon as possible.” Suzuki-san smiled at him.

“You’re a good policeman with a heart made of gold, Kobayashi-san,” he commented. Kobayashi-san laughed.

“No, I’m merely a policeman who’d been quite troublesome as a youth. If someone hadn’t helped me, I wouldn’t have ended up where I am so, I’m trying to follow the example of who helped me. Who knows? Maybe Seishiro-kun will also grow to become a policeman!” he joked. Suzuki-san laughed at that and tried not to think how, for the moment, Seishiro-kun’s future looked definitely dark.

Neither Seishiro nor Subaru had a nice night of sleep, tossing, turning and coming awake many times though at least were left quiet apart from a periodical check in done by nurses and doctors. They didn’t try to talk with each other, they just… lie there until they would slip into sleep again… to wake up short later in a never ending circle. They wished they could talk with each other, hold each other and be held back they just… couldn’t manage to do it, trapped as they were in their own fears and confusion about the other behaviour.

It went on through all the night, falling asleep and waking up, falling asleep and waking up, falling asleep and waking up, until, after waking up for the nth time, Seishiro noticed the first rays of the sun were filtering in the room and decided he could as well get up. His head buzzed unpleasantly and he was still rather tired, his arm sore. He sat on the bed groggily and stared at Subaru, still lying in the bed next to him.

The sight of the boy’s bandages and unnaturally pale skin as he lied there, as still as dead, gave him an unpleasant feeling of nausea as his mind automatically went again to what had happened the day before.

He wished he could run to Subaru, to shake him awake, to speak with him, but somehow his body felt rooted to the place, still as it had been the day before, when his mother had hit Subaru and Subaru had fallen and his eyes had closed and… and.. and there had been hands… his hands… around a human’s neck… his neck? His mother’s neck? Subaru’s neck?

He wasn’t sure anymore, he simply couldn’t remember, memories blurring and becoming confuse.

The world spun around him and he covered his mouth with his hand, feeling the taste of his own gastric fluids and trying to push them back in his stomach.

It hurt, he thought, and felt as if all of sudden he was again a child and his mother had closed him in the closet after beating him and he knew she would come back later, to hurt him more in new, creative ways, maybe with one of her boyfriends. It hurt and he was deadly scared. That pain, that fear was gnawing away his rationality, his mind sanity, it was driving him insane.

‘Subaru… Subaru… please, don’t be dead, Subaru… Subaru…’

Subaru made a weak, whimpering sound and relief filled Seishiro so violently it too felt painful… a different kind of pain but painful as well. He tried to stand, though he was so tense and distressed his knees gave away causing him to fall on the floor and so he crawled, as silently as he could, he crawled next to Subaru’s bed then sat on the floor and stared at the boy’s sleeping features, trying to stop his own body from shaking, himself from panting, wishing he could reach for Subaru but deadly afraid he could hurt him with just a mere brushing of his fingers.

He leaned on the bed slightly, tiredly, feeling as if something was stuck in his throat and dust had gone in his eyes, his head spinning so much his nausea felt even worse.

Alive, alive, alive, Subaru was alive, it was the only thing that mattered in that moment. He could hear Subaru breathing, he could see his chest rise and fall, he could…

He froze on his place as Subaru whimpered again, moving slightly. He wasn’t bothering him just by being close to him, was he? He wasn’t hurting him, was he? He…

Subaru stilled, opened his mouth slightly, his breath speeding up a little.

“Se-Seishiro? Is… is that you?” he asked in a small voice and Seishiro just stared at him and swallowed, unable to answer at first. “Seishiro?” Subaru repeated in a more anxious tone and Seishiro reminded himself that no, in that moment Subaru shouldn’t worry, in that moment Subaru should stay calm and worry about nothing and heal and get better quickly and Seishiro had promised to himself to behave and make sure Subaru would get better, that he would make sure of it, that he would be there to smoother things, handle things, make sure Subaru should worry about nothing, make sure he would receive the best cares, Suzuki-san too told it, ‘You’ll stay with Subaru-kun and you will take care of him and keep him calm and safe and he’ll get better in no time,’ and that was exactly what Seishiro was going to do, he would be that for Subaru so Subaru would get better and they would be free to leave that place and everything would be back to how it was before. If Subaru wanted it to be back as if it was before. If Subaru wasn’t mad at him. If Subaru still wanted him around. If Subaru…

“Seishiro!” Subaru said even more anxiously and he mentally kicked himself as he realized he had to answer if he wanted to keep Subaru calm, only somehow it was so difficult to think right then… so difficult…

He took a large gulp of air, willed himself to sound normal, forced himself to sound normal.

“Yes? What’s wrong, Subaru?” he asked pulling himself up a bit, trying to give a pretence of normality at the fact he was sitting on the floor and forcing a smile without realizing Subaru couldn’t see any of it.

“Seishiro?” Subaru called again and he sounded confused although a bit less scared and maybe Subaru was confused, maybe he was confused because Subaru didn’t remember well what had happened, after all he’d just woken up, maybe he should explain, maybe… maybe he could make up an excuse… something… Maybe there was a way to tell Subaru he really didn’t mean for that mess to happen, for Subaru to be hurt… He swallowed, feeling like there was no air in the room.

Keep calm and reassuring, keep calm and reassuring…

“It’s all right, Subaru” he told him, as gently as he could, wishing he could touch him but not sure if Subaru would like it and fearing to be rejected again. It hurt to be rejected by Subaru, it hurt more than being hit. “It’s all right. You’ve had an… incident… but you’ll be all right soon and then it’ll be as if nothing had happened, I promise. It’s nothing, it’s all right so… so don’t worry,” he said uncharacteristically fumbling with the words. He couldn’t help it though. What had happened wasn’t ‘nothing’, it was ‘EVERYTHING’ and he couldn’t stop to think at it and this stopped him from lying well. Not that he wanted to lie to Subaru, he wanted only…

“Seishiro…” Subaru repeated and Seishiro though he didn’t sound reassured in the slightest, then saw him swallowing before trying to speak again, which was never a good sign and he felt like cringing, as if he expected Subaru to lash out at him. “Seishiro… are you well?” Subaru asked instead and, for a moment, Seishiro felt almost tempted to laugh hysterically. Subaru was the one who got hurt, was the one who couldn’t see, was the one as pale as a ghost, was the one with no strength left in his body and here he was, worrying for him, for him that was the cause of Subaru’s injuries?

Silly, silly, beloved Subaru, precious Subaru, so precious… the only one who loved him, who would care for him… and he’d almost caused Subaru to die, he’d almost killed him, no, it hadn’t been him, it had been ‘her’ but it had been his fault so… so…

“Seishiro? Are you well?” Subaru repeated and Seishiro too had to swallow before replying, wondering why his body kept on shaking, why his throat was stinging so much, why the world seemed to blur and dance in front of his eyes.

“Sure, I’m fine! Just peachy! I’m a strong boy, you know, no one can put me down!” he said in what he hoped was his most cheerful and enthusiastic tone, even though he felt something unpleasantly trapped in his throat that made harder speaking.

“Seishiro…” Subaru repeated, not sounding persuaded at all, and there was nothing else in the world Seishiro wished more than to hug him, to clung to him, to demand to be cuddled and coddled, to make sure Subaru was really there, with him and never, never let go of him but… but he knew that wasn’t the moment to be demanding, to act as a spoiled kid.

Subaru… Subaru didn’t have to worry about him, Subaru had to worry only about getting better, it was Subaru the one who got hurt, the one who needed attentions, Seishiro was there merely to make sure to take care of him, to be strong and supportive although it felt terribly difficult. He wasn’t sure he would manage to stay strong and supportive. Actually he felt as if he were about to crumble into pieces and it… it scared him. He... he’d never felt such a mess emotionally and... and that was the worst moment for it. He couldn’t allow himself the luxury of crumbling, not with Subaru in that state, not with Subaru needing him to be strong and reassuring. He simply couldn’t.

“Seishiro?” Subaru called, sounding even more confused. Seishiro forced another fake smile, always without realizing Subaru couldn’t see it, noticing only Subaru didn’t return it. He swallowed and though it wasn’t a good sign if Subaru wasn’t smiling at him.

“Hey, aren’t you hungry? Why don’t I go search some breakfast for you? What would you like to eat?” he offered trying to be helpful. It wasn’t like he wanted to leave he just… he needed to do something for Subaru, it didn’t matter what, he just… wanted to do something for him. At first Subaru said nothing. Then…

“You… you don’t have to go, Seishiro…” he began, stammering a bit. He had to wet his lips before continuing and his hands clenched around the covers as he wished they could hold Seishiro instead. Why was Seishiro keeping so far from him? It wasn’t like Seishiro to stay far from him… Was there something wrong? Seishiro… Seishiro wasn’t angry at him, was he? No, that wasn’t how Seishiro sounded when he was angry, no, but his voice was all wrong and his behaviour made no sense so… what was wrong? He had no idea, trapped in the darkness as he was, he could only sense that something was wrong and that, due to it, Seishiro was keeping away from him. Fear rose inside him as he tried to think at what he could have done that might cause Seishiro to wish to stay away from him. No, he was just being paranoid, Seishiro would never wish to stay away from him, it was just… “I… Seishiro… I… I’m… I’m not hungry and… and anyway we’re in a hospital, aren’t we? The nurses will take care to bring us food… so… so… you… you could… you should… rest some more and…” ‘… and stay with me,’ he wanted to say but somehow those words remained stuck in his throat. Not that Seishiro gave him the time to force them out.

“Silly, I’m fine, I said, I don’t need rest,” Seishiro insisted though he feared he didn’t sound convincing at all. “Wait, I’ll pull the curtains and let the sun light a bit this room. Sun will make everything better!” he suggested as he stood jerkily and moved unsteadily toward the window, fighting down a wave of dizziness, his body protesting at the sudden movements after having been still in such an uncomfortable position for so long.

He pulled open the curtains only to reveal that dark clouds were covering the sky and that rain was about to fall. Not exactly a view that would cheer up someone.

‘Stupid, really a bright idea was this!’ he told himself as if the bad weather was his fault, to turn toward Subaru and be reminded that Subaru could care less about the weather, to him it wouldn’t make any difference, because Subaru wasn’t in the state to note a difference between the room kept in the light or in the dark and it was all his fault, and he felt even more dense for saying something that idiotic as well as useless, the smile he’d forced himself to make dying on his lips.

“Seishiro…” Subaru called and Seishiro tried frenetically to think at what he could do now. Wasn’t there anything he could do to make Subaru better? To make Subaru forgive him for… He swallowed, looking around the room anxiously in search of inspiration, a side of him wishing Subaru would tell him something, while the other was afraid of what Subaru might tell him.

“Wait, what if I’ll go and get you a drink or something? Aren’t you thirsty?” he tried, feeling rather uneasy. He... he really had no idea what he was supposed to do, what would make Subaru feel better and honestly all he wished in that moment was to let Subaru cuddle and coddle him, which, he knew, was an extremely egoistic thought but...

“Seishiro!” Subaru repeated and he sounded… even more upset than before, the thing unbalancing Seishiro further as if he expected Subaru to scold him in a moment.

“Yes?” he replied anyway in his most casual tone, nervousness rise up inside him. He wasn’t good at this, he couldn’t do this, now when all he wanted was to cling on Subaru and never let go but he didn’t even dare to try. He couldn’t do that, Subaru was hurt and needed quiet and didn’t seem to like to be touched at the moment, he reminded himself as he swallowed and tried to keep his cool. Not that he was managing very well. Subaru swallowed as well, his mood apparently dropping even further somehow, though Seishiro had no idea what he was doing wrong.

“No. I’m not thirsty,” Subaru stated tiredly before beginning to chew his lower lip nervously. Seishiro knew it was a bad sign, knew it meant something was wrong, knew it had to mean he did something wrong, only he had no idea how to fix things. Slowly he moved a little closer, wishing only to touch Subaru, hug him, hold him, to have his attention but he stopped before doing so. Hadn’t he just reminded himself being clingy wouldn’t help Subaru? No, that was an excuse, he was merely afraid to be rejected, he was merely afraid to do more harm than good, he was merely afraid to… he clenched his fists, swallowed again.

“Is there something else you’d like me to get to you?” he ventured feeling rather worthless, then licked his dry lips. He... he wanted to do something, he needed to do something but he had no idea what and was so very afraid to mess up, his fear almost translated into physical pain. He felt tired, confused, lost and he wanted, no he needed Subaru to comfort him only… only how could he demand this from Subaru when Subaru was the one that had gotten hurt? And due to him?

He wished he knew how to make everything better, how to fix things but he had no idea and he felt there was no one he could ask for help.

Actually it would have been better if he’d asked Subaru for help. Subaru might have understood that, he might have understood Seishiro’s confusion, while he couldn’t quite understand why Seishiro was keeping that far from him, as if he didn’t want to stay close to him at all, as if he was searching for an excuse to leave him. The fact he wasn’t feeling well, couldn’t really think straight and couldn’t see Seishiro’s rather pitiful appearance didn’t really helped him to figure out what was wrong. Why wasn’t Seishiro remaining close to him as he usually did when Subaru was unwell? Why wasn’t he touching him, hugging him, kissing him? What was wrong? Was Seishiro mad at him? Why was his voice sounding so… odd? Was the one with him Seishiro? Had Seishiro left and someone else was playing his part? No, that was absurd but… he… he couldn’t tell anymore. His grandmother didn’t like him spending time with Seishiro so was it possible she could… No, that was absurd, he was being irrational he…

‘You were a burden from him right from the beginning, weren’t you?’

No, he…

‘A burden! Unable to even defend yourself from a feeble woman! And then you talk about wanting to protect him? You can’t even protect yourself!’

He swallowed and clenched his fists, forcing himself to breathe slowly, to stay calm, not to give into hysterics. The situation was troublesome enough and he had to stay calm. It wasn’t possible they had stuck him with someone that was merely playing Seishiro’s role. It wasn’t possible Seishiro had left him, Seishiro would never let him, never!

But then why was him…

He swallowed again, feeling hopeless and hating himself for his inability to do something useful, for having gotten himself in that situation in the first place, for having been unable to protect Seishiro effectively. His father had been right, there was little worth in him. If only he hadn’t been so idiot to get himself hurt... If only he hadn’t been so useless, weak and helpless, good only for fainting or getting injured... If only he could keep calm, think rationally… If only Seishiro were to stay close to him…

“Subaru? Is there something…” he was asked again, though no one was at his side, the voice questioning him came from somewhere far from him. Or was that voice too an hallucination? Was that why Seishiro wasn’t touching him, hugging him, being close to him? Was it because he wasn’t really there, because he was just a voice in Subaru’s head? Was he going mad?

He tried hard to think rationally, to calm down. It wasn’t working. He was only feeling worse he realized as a feeling of nausea added to his headache.

“Seishiro…” he only managed to repeat, because that was the only thing he wanted, he only wanted Seishiro to be with him and…

“What? Aren’t you feeling well? Do you want me to go get a doctor for you?” Seishiro asked back, unable to figure out what Subaru wanted.

“No! That’s not what I want! There’s nothing I want you to get, stop asking!” he cut him abruptly in a harsh tone, exasperation taking control of him, to regret his words a second later. He swallowed. He hadn’t meant to snap, he didn’t want to spoke in such a half hysterical tone to Seishiro, Seishiro was only trying to be helpful, he was only trying to help him, he had no right to be snappish. It was… Seishiro was merely trying to be kind, it wasn’t like he was searching some excuse to leave Subaru, it wasn’t like that, it wasn’t…

The feeling of nausea grew stronger and so did his headache and he wished he could cry only… only he was sure he was already being a burden and, on top of that, he had acted rude and Seishiro didn’t want to be close to him so he couldn’t demand to be coddled and cuddled, no matter how much he wanted it. He only had to calm down, he told himself, calm down, calm down and apologize, apologize because he didn’t mean to yell, he…

“Oh. Okay,” Seishiro said in the meantime, forcing himself not to pay attention to Subaru’s snappy tone. Subaru was tired and hurt and it was perfectly comprehensible if he wasn’t in his best mood. Especially considering it was due to Seishiro he had ended up in a hospital bed. Really, Seishiro should be grateful Subaru was only being snappy and not throwing things at him. He would deserve it. He wasn’t being helpful at all, actually his presence seemed to make things worse for Subaru so maybe should he leave? Should he? He had no idea.

“Well… well… it’s fine if you don’t want me to get something, I mean, if you don’t need anything… just… just let me know if there’s something you’ll want, okay? I… I’ll go get it to you in a blink, okay?” he tried to assure doing his best to sound as if nothing was wrong.

Actually he sounded way too anxious and his smile was way too strained but Subaru couldn’t see it and couldn’t figure why Seishiro was sounding... like that. He knew Seishiro’s cheerful tone and could clearly say at the moment Seishiro was all but cheerful actually he sounded… odd. Uncomfortable. As if he didn’t what to be there. As if he didn’t want to be with _him_.

Maybe that was why he insisted in asking him if he wanted something, because he wanted to leave and... and... and that couldn’t be because Seishiro would never wish to leave him... he was merely imagining things, that was for sure, Seishiro didn’t want to leave him… did he?

“I… Seishiro… I… you…” he hesitated, unsure how to formulate his sentence, unsure about what to say, what to ask.

“Really, Subaru, I wouldn’t mind at all to get out to retrieve something for you, actually I’d love to,” Seishiro insisted and maybe he only wanted to be nice but Subaru at the moment wasn’t capable to understand it. He could only understand that Seishiro wanted to leave and Subaru didn’t want him to leave but Seishiro wanted to and it wasn’t fair from Subaru to force him to stay there but he needed Seishiro but he didn’t mean to be a jerk but…


“Just… just leave,” he ended up blurting out. He couldn’t deal with it any longer. He simply… couldn’t cope with the idea Seishiro might want to leave him. Surely… surely now Seishiro would tell him he was being silly, that he misunderstood his intention completely, surely Seishiro wouldn’t leave him, Seishiro would never leave him, Seishiro…

“Ah…” it was all Seishiro managed to say at first, Subaru’s words feeling worse than any blow he had ever received. But Subaru had been hurt and he wasn’t feeling well and it was all Seishiro’s fault and it was true what the others always said, he had ruined Subaru, Subaru couldn’t see, Subaru was blind due to him, so Subaru was right in hating him, in not wishing to have him around, he was right… He swallowed as the world swayed in front of him and tried focusing on managing to stand. “O-okay…” he agreed as he began to walk unsteadily toward the exit of the room. Why was this happening? Why had he let this to happen? Why? Why wasn’t Subaru trying to stop him? Why was Subaru letting him go? Why had he chased him away in the first place?

Subaru felt his heart beating so violently he thought he would have a heart attack. What was supposed to mean ‘okay’? Those… those couldn’t be the sounds of Seishiro’s footsteps as he was leaving him, could they? No, no, it was absurd, Seishiro wouldn’t, Seishiro…

‘He is though. He is leaving you. He finally understood what a waste of his time you are, wasn’t it time, after all?’ his father’s voice whispered cruelly in the back of his mind and it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, he had hoped he’d gotten rid of that voice and instead…

He tried to ignore it, tried to think at something he could do, tried to think when the sound of an handle being turned cut his thoughts painfully, inevitably signalling there was no time anymore for thinking.

“S-Seishiro?” he forced himself to say, feeling on the verge of breaking down. There was no reply at first. Seishiro just stood there, rooted on his place, desperately hoping Subaru would call him back, unable to say a world but Subaru was too shocked by Seishiro’s apparent will to leave him and too afraid that Seishiro would also express it verbally to say what Seishiro hoped he would say. “I… I… a… hum… walk… it… it will do good to you… I mean… I mean… it’s not like you won’t come back… can’t I mean… I mean… I…” he babbled, fists clenching the covers nervously. He longed to hear Seishiro saying something reassuring, something like ‘I’ve changed my mind, I’ll stay,’ but he too didn’t get the reply he had hoped for. Seishiro wasn’t sure why Subaru, after chasing him away, was trying to sugar coat things. Maybe because even when he was angry and with any reason to be Subaru was just that nice.

“Hn… it’s not like I can’t…” he echoed before trailing off. He didn’t dare to ask ‘but would you want me to come back?’. He wasn’t sure he wanted Subaru to reply to that. He just… remained there in silence, his own heart seeming horribly loud in all that silence, until it was clear Subaru had nothing more to say and it was pointless to dally any longer. He closed his eyes, took a long breath then opened the door.

“S-Seishiro?” Subaru called him again. He paused, hoping… “B-bye then?” the boy merely said in a small voice.

Subaru had no idea what else he could say. Seishiro evidently didn’t want to stay and he couldn’t call him back and be whiny when Seishiro wanted to leave and Subaru had even stupidly encouraged him in doing it.

Seishiro lowered his gaze, mentally kicking himself for hoping Subaru would tell him something different.

“Hn… bye then…” he muttered before leaving hurriedly. He simply… couldn’t last the pressure any longer. Being there hoping Subaru would ask him to stay and… and… He closed the door behind himself, then found himself leaning heavily against it. His legs failed to support him and he found himself sitting on the floor.

Why, why, why was this happening? Why?

He stared at the ceiling without seeing it, knowing there was no escape from the situation he was in. Subaru had been hurt. His eyes… they were covered by bandages, it might mean he would stay blind, he wouldn’t be able to see again. And it was all Seishiro’s fault. Subaru… Subaru was right in being angry with him, maybe even in hating him. He too… he too hated himself right then. If he’d done something, anything right now Subaru wouldn’t be in a hospital room.

He clenched his fists, his nails digging into his skin as he wished he could scream his rage at himself and his pain and knew he could only keep silent instead, silent, as he had done all those times his mother and her lovers had hit and abused of him.

He got used to that, he got used to that pain, he got so used to it he stopped feeling it or so he had thought. He didn’t think he’ll ever stop feeling pain if he were to lose Subaru.

He bit his lower lip, drawing blood.

What could he do now? How could he fix things? Could things still be fixed? Could they?

Someone entered in his field of vision, surprising him. He blinked, tensing up and feeling cornered, as it had happened to him often when he was a child, as he had done his damn best to avoid now that he was older.

“Is everything all right, Sakurazuka-kun?” the man, the doctor asked him and Seishiro turned his gaze away making a noncommittal sound of agreement, hating himself for having allowed himself to be caught like that and doing his best to breathe calmly.

‘Just leave,’ he thought. ‘Just abandon me to my destiny like the others. Despise me like everyone else had done and let me be.’ He didn’t particularly like the idea of being left alone but he didn’t want company either. Apart for Subaru, people wanted to be around him only for one purpose. As the doctor didn’t immediately move away he forced himself to stand jerkily and glared at him angrily, his back pressed against the door, that contact a reminder both painful and reassuring that Subaru wasn’t with him but on the other side of it.

“I’m fine, I said. Just leave!” he hissed ready to hit the man if he were to try something, then felt as if he was the one who had been hit as those angry words reminded him of what Subaru told him.

‘Just leave.’

Subaru… Subaru hadn’t wanted him around, Subaru was angry at him or maybe he was scared by him or maybe both or…

“You should be with Sumeragi-kun, Sakurazuka-kun,” the doctor said then, pouring salt on gaping wounds. He turned his gaze away again, dug his nails further into his palms.

“Subaru… Subaru needed some quiet… Subaru’s tired… Subaru got hurt so it’s natural… Subaru…” he tried to work out an explanation that wasn’t ‘Subaru kicked me out’ and failed. “It’s none of your business anyway. You can’t bother him though. No one can. No one can hurt Subaru. That’s why I’m here. I mean…” Someone had hurt Subaru, someone had done it even if he’d been right next to him, someone had hurt Subaru exactly because he was right next to him, Subaru… Subaru… With his mind’s eyes he again saw Subaru lying there, motionless, as if he was death, as if he was death and the world seemed to spin faster and he had to swallow to fight down a growing sense of nausea.

“That’s good. Right now Sumeragi-kun needs someone to take care of him,” the doctor stated calmly and Seishiro looked at him in confusion. The man… he didn’t sound sarcastic, he really seemed to think Seishiro was the good choice to take care of Subaru. Which was absurd considering what had happened to Subaru. Besides no one in Okinawa would trust Seishiro so…

“Where’s the catch? What do you want from me? What are you doing still here?” he asked warily. The man gazed at him calmly.

“This is the time of morning check up, Sakurazuka-kun. You and Sumeragi-kun are among my patients. I’m supposed to visit you both,” he explained in a reasonable tone and Seishiro mentally kicked himself.

Of course the man was there for that. Seishiro had already been in a hospital more than once and knew how things worked. Why hadn’t he thought at that?

“Subaru… Subaru wants to be left quiet…” he said uneasily. It wasn’t exactly true but he didn’t want someone else to be with Subaru when he couldn’t be with Subaru. He… he wasn’t ready to deal with it.

“Then I guess I’ll visit you first. We should go back in the room, though,” the doctor replied, unfazed.

“Subaru doesn’t want to be bothered, I said. I… we can’t go in,” he countered. He just couldn’t admit he’d been chased away, he couldn’t. As long as he didn’t admit it… maybe it hadn’t happened, had it? The doctor frowned for a moment then shrugged.

“Follow me then. I can’t visit you in the corridor. That room is empty and it’ll be more than fine,” he said then began to walk toward the room he had pointed at and that was not too far from where they were. Seishiro hesitated in following him and the man, as if sensing his hesitation, turned to look at him.


Seishiro frowned, wished he could be stubborn and refuse to follow the man, but it was bad enough Subaru had chased him out of the room, he didn’t need to be chased out of the hospital also. He forced himself to follow the doctor, trying to ignore his nausea and how the world seemed to dance around him or the unpleasant sensation of how his sweat made his clothes all sticky, hoping the sooner they were to do it, the sooner they would get done with it.

He never particularly liked to be visited. So far no doctor had ever harmed him but this didn’t mean he could say he enjoyed being checked over like some sort of bacteria put under a microscope. Doctors always had that impersonal way to handle him, as if his wounds were merely some sort of subject of study for them, pocking at them and making him questions to which he couldn’t reply if he didn’t want to end up with way worse wounds…

Being with them had been better than being at home but, in the long run, it had come to mean nothing. They would unfailingly send him back home and nothing would be solved.

Somewhere in a textbook he had read that torturers would have doctors pack up their victims so they could last torture longer.

For Seishiro, as long as he had lived with his mother, ending up in a hospital had exactly the same meaning. He was packed up so he could better deal with what his mother would come up next. Though this time he had no home to return and this doctor… he was being a little more considerate than the others, he wasn’t merely looking at him as if he was a study subject.

The thought lead him to wonder over an even less pleasurable possibility that almost made his stomach turn and he tensed for a moment, studying him carefully but no, there was no lust in the doctor’s gaze and his movements were merely professional. Seishiro had seen any type of lustful gaze, had known any sort of lustful touch and was sure he wouldn’t miss it. He felt confuse. The doctor… he seemed to look at him as if he were a person, a normal one. This stranger seemed to look at him the way Kobayashi-san and Suzuki-san did and it was simply… odd.


It made him feel horribly young and vulnerable and he truly hated it. He didn’t want to be young and vulnerable. He didn’t want to be apart from Subaru either nor he wanted to argue with him… or have him being hurt for the matter. However life was giving him no say on the situation at hand and he hated it. He clenched his fists, his nails cutting into his skin again trying to fight down that growing sense of desperation knowing things wouldn’t improve if he were to show how bad he was feeling.

“Subaru… will Subaru get better?” he asked without looking at the doctor and making an effort to get the sentence out. He didn’t really expect an answer though, likely the man had been instructed by Subaru’s grandmother to ignore him but…

“Why are you asking?” the other asked calmly and Seishiro thought that doctor had to be really dense for not getting it. That or he was having fun denying him the answer.

“He… his head is all bandaged! He can’t see and… and he’s pale and weak… and he’s nervous and… and upset and… and…” he trailed off realizing he had said more than what he planned to say.

“So far we can’t say with confidence if he’ll heal perfectly but it’s normal he’s not in perfect shape right now,” the doctor replied calmly. Seishiro swallowed.

“You can’t say? Does this mean… Subaru might not get better?” he asked feeling dread bubble up inside him. Subaru… might not get better? It was possible… he could never heal? Subaru… Subaru…

“It means we can only wait and, as we wait, do our best to take care of him. That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?” the doctor asked simply. Seishirou lowered his gaze. He wanted to take care of Subaru, he really wanted to take care of him, only he had no idea how to do it. “As for the fact he might be in a bad mood that’s pretty normal for someone who’s in his state.”

“Subaru had never been the type to snap when he was sick,” he countered, feeling like the doctor was diminishing the problem. “I know how Subaru is when he’s sick, I’ve been the one taking care of him when he was sick before and he never acted like that previously.”

“Then how did he act previously?” the doctor asked. “What do you think there’s that’s wrong in him?”

“He was… different. He didn’t act like…” ‘…like he didn’t want him around,’ he thought but refused to say as he lowered his head. “He’s not like this when he was sick.” When Subaru had been sick previously he was much more clingy, affectionate, obedient and appreciative. But that was before he ruined everything and made Subaru angry at him. The doctor stared at him for a moment then let his gaze wander on some documents he had there.

“He’s not exactly sick, though. He’s unable to see. In addition to the obvious loss of mobility and independence it often causes depression, anxiety, withdrawal, communication problems, loss of confidence, loss of contact with the environment and, sometimes, even suicidal tendencies. It’s no wonder he’s not reacting as usual,” the man told him calmly as if repeating a lesson.

“What?” Seishiro began to ask, paling slightly. He had no chance to ask clarifications or what exactly he should do to take care of him as he heard Subaru crying out his name.

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